WHITTIER, CA – After a long, successful night of trick-or-treating, and with the kids sugar-crashing in bed, Ben Conway, 41, decided to end his Halloween night by relaxing on the couch and ingesting a THC edible prescribed to him by a shady cannabis doctor who operates out of an unmarked retail space in a rundown strip mall in an unincorporated part of South Whittier.
“I got the kids’ candy ready for the Switch Witch to take and donate to the troops via Soldiers’ Angels and sat down to watch Making a Murderer, but when I woke up, their bag of candy was still there. And my bag of 50mg THC sour gummies was gone! Come on Switch Witch! That’s my medicine!”
While the Switch Witch did indeed switch his edible pot candies for a fun toy, Conway says, “The yo-yo I got is cool and all, but I don’t see how it’s going to help with my… back pain? Insomnia? Honestly, I can’t remember what my pot prescription was for. But it sure beats watching Netflix sober.”
Now with the Halloween candy still on the table and the kids asking questions, Conway is unsure how to proceed. “Do I tell them the switch witch skipped our house? Do I explain ‘daddy’s medicine candy’ to them? Do I finish off their candy while they’re at school? I made a pretty big dent in the candy pile last night, if you know what I mean.”
Conway says there’s a lesson to be learned from his Switch Witch experience. “Savory edibles. That’s the solution. The Switch Witch isn’t gonna pinch a bag of THC laced Doritos, or a container of mashed potatoes made with cannabutter. Jesus. I hope those pot candies don’t make it to the front lines,” he added. “As cool as it would be to have our troops, stoned, sitting around with stoned ISIS fighters, scrolling through Reddit, laughing at memes together, it’s pretty unlikely.”
BEVERLYWOOD, CA – With a desire to give their daughter a broader understanding of different cultures, Devin and Julia Wilson opted to pay a premium to enroll their 3 year old, Alyssa, in an all-Spanish, multicultural class at the local Montessori preschool. “It’s been four months and all she can say is ‘quesadilla,'” says Devin. “This is what an extra $250 a month gets us? We could literally live in Honduras for less than that.”
“She comes home from school, sets her dolls up for circle time, and leads her imaginary class in gibberish. I don’t know what she thinks she’s saying, but it’s not Spanish,” Julia adds. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s cute. Just not $3000 a year cute.”
The immersion class is designed so that students will learn all the preschool basics like shapes, colors, letters and numbers in Spanish. So that, according to most kindergarten teachers, they typically have the benefit of starting Elementary school months behind their English-only learning classmates in grammar, sentence structure and vocabulary. The Wilsons don’t seem to have to worry about that. “Quesadilla. That’s all we’re getting from her,” Devin vents. “Quesadilla. Quesadilla. ‘What do you want for dinner?’ Quesadilla. ‘What’s your favorite color?’ Quesadilla. ‘Who drew on the wall?’ Quesadilla.”
The Wilsons have not given up complete hope on immersion schooling. With very few alternatives in the area that don’t involve nuns, the couple have decided to add Alyssa to the wait-list for local the English-speaking Jewish preschool in the hopes of enlightening her on the culture of Ophthalmologists.
[CITY REDACTED] – One night after the family was asleep, lights were off, and the office door locked, [NAME REDACTED], 33 was, in his words, “casually surfing the internet” when he stumbled upon an old video of his wife on PornHub.com – a popular entertainment website. “There she was. On top of a river boat in the green bikini she used to wear when we first started dating. A crowd chanting for her to ‘whip ’em out.’ And, after beer-bonging a Corona, my wife of 8 years, [NAME REDACTED], just let ’em loose,” he explained. “It’s definitely her. I just don’t know how to tell her where, or how I found the video. I was supposed to be working on our taxes not searching for… never mind.”
[NAME REDACTED] assures us he’s not jealous or angry, “it’s not like I met her at BYU. We met at Arizona State.” He just thinks she would want the video removed before she’s recognized as the star of the 62 second ‘Boat Juggs 2006’ video. “We have a son now who’s gonna be ‘casually surfing the internet’ on his own in 7 or 8 years and if he searches for the types of content I do – like, um, ‘boat stuff’ – he may stumble onto this video of his mom someday, and that’s just…” he trailed off. “Look. I don’t need any Oedipus type shit around my house.”
Unsure of how to proceed, he says he’s bookmarked the video on a hidden web browser to revisit over and over again until he figures out a plan. “What am I supposed to tell my wife? That I’m into ‘boat stuff’? You think I have time to explain what ‘words’ I put into ‘search bars’ or whatever? She’s a mother now. Not that young, hot, drunk, woman I accidentally came across after a quick 45 minute break from taxes. I have to look this woman in the eye every morning. I can’t do that after she’s been hovering over my shoulder saying ‘Really? Is this what you’re into? Gross.'”
His current plan is to forward the link from a falsified Gmail account made up of some form of her ex-boyfriend’s name with the subject line “Thinking of You” to see if that triggers a pull down request. But even that has him nervous. “What if she misses the good ol’ days and wants to run off with her ex, beer-bonging Coronas and whipping out those post-baby funbags? Then I have to explain the email is actually me? That’s weirder than searching for ‘boat stuff’ on Pornhub. Not that that’s what I’m into.”
This dad has some interesting thoughts one why women trail behind men in the workplace. Maybe many of them raised to be selfish and submissive? It’s all a theory that we neither support nor deny but there are some interesting observations. And we do like seeing him in a dress. Check out Adam Hammer’s take on gender inequality in the workplace.
LONG ISLAND, NY – After a recent relocation from Manaus, Brazil to the Big Apple, advertising executive Joao Silva, 39, is eager to help his eight year old son fit in as the new kid in a new country. “Americans love baseball. I want my son to be part of the group at the parks and at school. So, like many American dads, we spend some time after my day at work, in the backyard, just kicking around a baseball,” he says. “I feel silly wearing the glove, but it’s important to blend in when you’re trying to make new friends.”
In Brazil – known more for its love of soccer and jiu-jitsu – the American pastime is gaining enough popularity for its growing population of 207 million to know the sport exists. “I’m still learning the rules,” Silva admits. “Like when the – how you say – umpire blows the whistle for a foul, is that a free pitch or a touchdown? Either way, Victor is learning how to dive to get the umpire’s attention.”