BREAKING: Local Toddler Wipes Own Butt

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OAKLAND, CA – After 18 months of being potty trained, local toddler Scarlett managed to wipe her own butt – without parental aid. It was a successful wipe with little to no fecal residue left in or around her My Little Mermaid panties. Her parents commemorated the effort with a very public applause. “We’ve been working so hard with her,” Scarlett’s mother Vanessa says. “I just hope it’s not a fluke. I’m sick of hand-washing Elsa panties. We used to just throw diapers out. But panties cost money, you know?” “It’s the first step to the White House,” her dad Robert says. “If you can conquer your butt, you can conquer it all.” After their daughter’s impressive feat, Robert and Vanessa say their plans are to try to teach Scarlett how to follow up wiping with not only flushing the toilet, but also washing her hands. #babysteps

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