AUSTIN, TX – Owners of local vegan restaurant Kale ‘n Me Softly, Carl and Marianne Sturgis-Hemmingway are growing increasingly concerned that their 12 year old son Kalin is exhibiting gender-normative tendencies. Which, they say, isn’t the way he’s being raised.
“We are trying to raise a person with inherent depth. Like someone who identifies as gay, gender fluid, or transpecial. Someone interesting, who could be the subject of a documentary, or a leader in identity politics. Someone important,” Carl admitted.
Marianne says she first noticed he was acting different two years ago on a cool October Sunday. “On our way to the farmers market we passed an open air sports bar with football on TV and he stopped to watch it,” Marianne said, wiping away her tears. “He was [*sniff*] smiling. Like he really enjoyed it. Oh! My little they-bie.”
“Disgusting.” Carl added. “When we caught him he just turned away, embarrassed. Nobody talked about it, but we all know what we saw.”
Since the football watching incident, Kalin’s straight tendencies have been surfacing more and more. This spring he asked to sign up for baseball – a request that was quickly shut down by his father as it would interfere with his interpretive dance classes. At the latest women’s march, he refused to wear his pussy hat stating “pink is for girls.” And his favorite pastime seems to be belching to make his sister laugh. Not good signs for the progressive hopefuls.
Carl says his biggest concern is his son’s (or whatever he eventually chooses to identify as) safety. “Look. I’m not a bigot. However other people choose to live their disgusting, cis-hetero lives in their own homes is their business. I’m concerned about my son’s safety if he’s out there flaunting his straight, whiteness. What will the kids at his art school think if they find out he prefers the company of women in a hetero-normative way? What if one of them makes fun of him and he becomes… aggressive?”
“Oh my god! Do you really think he might be the aggressive kind of straight?” Marriane worried. “Is he going to join rape culture?”
“I can’t even think about that, Marianne. You’re going to make me vomit.” Carl continued,
“I want him to learn from my mistakes. If he’s going to be straight and white and identify as male, I just hope he develops a preference for women of Asian, African, Hispanic or Indigenous descent. If he chooses to be straight, at the very least, we’d like grandkids who are cultured and interesting.”
The couple says they are weighing all options including Straight Conversion Therapy to help bring their son in line. But the progressive couple have got their hands full, noting a nervousness about the amount of time their six year old daughter plays with her brother’s dolls, instead of her Tonka trucks. They’ll be monitoring that situation as it progresses and we’ll report back as the story unfolds.