9 Year Old Stumbles Into Alt-Right Zone of Club Penguin Island

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BELLINGHAM, WA – On a quest to rid the tropical island of the mountain ice so thick only lava could melt it, 9 year old Zachary Duckworth – player name: BatmanSpidermanDinosaur – was collecting hot sauce bottles to pour into volcano vents to set off a volcanic eruption, when he befriended a penguin with the player handle JigglyJellyBean who guided him to a tavern in the part of an island Zachary had never visited. “I never saw an all-white penguin before. I thought he was cool looking.”

Zachary says the tavern was full of other all-white penguins. Some had guns. Some had American flags “with funny ninja stars on them,” Zachary says, referring to the swastikas. “Snowball9681 had a super cool red hat and was giving this speech with a crowd gathered around him. He was telling everybody how the half-breed puffins are ruining the island. I thought that was silly, but when he started talking about ‘white penguin genocide’ he just made sense. Penguin diversity does equal white penguin genocide,” he said, adding, “what’s a genocide again?” He stayed in that tavern for 2 hours listening to Snowball9681 rail against the government, player HillaryClinton, how abortion is destroying the white penguin community and how all the brown penguins are bringing crime to the island.

Zachary, who still can’t fall asleep without telling the monster under his bed he knows karate, began acting strange at home. He wears army fatigues daily and openly curses penguins of other colors claiming its his patriotic duty as a citizen of Club Penguin Island, insisting “It’s not hate. It’s heritage.” His mother Tamara Duckworth, 34, has decided to limit his iPad game time to 1 hour a day in the hopes of breaking what she calls an innocent, childish phase. “All kids plot a race war, right?” She laughed, visibly shaken and uncomfortable. “I’d just delete the game, but we paid for a year up front. And he’s been spending a lot of time playing in the knife drawer so… I’m kinda stuck.”

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