DALLAS, TX – After two months of taking meetings with recruiters from upwards of 17 pyramid schemes, Melanie Thrush, 32, has finally made her long awaited decision on which multi-level-marketing scam to commit to. She’s sampled weight loss supplements, done fittings for loud and colorful leggings, been given facial after facial, and even been wined and dined at dildo parties. After careful deliberation – and against the advice of relatives – she’s finally made a commitment to a scam.
“I’m going with overpriced dish rags. They’re all natural. Machine washable. Reusable. And you only need to get them wet. You don’t even need any harsh cleaners. Which is great, because I’ve always hated chemicals,” she said, while applying mascara. She went on to half-explain the antibacterial properties of positive ions the magic rags emanate, but admitted she still hasn’t had a chance to really delve into the sales literature.
Her up-line Carla – an old middle school acquaintance she reconnected with on Facebook – was ecstatic to have duped her into the program. “She’s got everything we want out of a recruit. A go-getter attitude, an active social media presence, kids in elementary school that free her up during peak scamming hours, a husband with some disposable income. She really checks off all the boxes. Plus, she’s my sixth down-line recruit so now I’m a diamond level leader. Woot woot!”
Starting any business is hard. Especially when you haven’t developed the product, price points, distribution models or pay structure. But Melanie doesn’t see any of this as a problem. She’s ready to hit her Facebook feed hard and start alienating her friends and family to potentially earn upwards of $36 a month. All she needs to do is sign up six people in her downline who will each spend a minimum of $175 a month. “We all know six people who want to be financially independent, right? And then if those six people find six people, then those six people find six people. And on and on. That money just adds up. Look, I’m not just going to be selling a miracle cleaning product. I’m selling opportunity.”
When asked about the millions who failed at Amway, the SEC investigations into the legality of Herbalife, and how the math would work on a virtually unlimited number of people all sharing in the same profit margin she responded, “Whether you believe you can, or believe you can’t, you’re right.”