I Wish My Parents Would Die So I Could Become Batman

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Sure dead parents would be a cool icebreaker to pick up chicks. And yeah, with dead parents you can kind of get away with pretty much whatever. But I don’t want my parents to die just so I can host high school keg parties and blow their life insurance payouts on a Tesla and paintball. I want them to die so that I can become Batman.

I just started my Junior year in high school and I’m not getting any younger. Bruce Wayne’s parents died when he was like in elementary school. He developed an addiction to justice in his formative years. The same years I developed an addiction to video games. He had years on me in his crime fighting education. What am I gonna do if some supervillain decides to poison the Rancho Cucamonga water supply with a mind control substance? Throw my Xbox at him? Come on!

I need my parents to get t-boned by a drunk driver or stabbed by a meth addict or blown up in a terrorist attack or whatever atrocity will spark my passion for vengeance. Because right now all I have a passion for are memes. And the police commissioner doesn’t make a Bat signal for the best meme creator. You don’t get shit for memes. No matter how dank.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t love my parents or whatever. They’re cool. They let me borrow the van and stuff. But I’m not going to be able to chase down the Joker’s henchmen in a Chrysler Pacifica.

I just feel that what Batman did for Gotham City, I could do for San Bernardino County and my parents’ beating hearts are standing in the way.  I’m not being selfish. I wanna be Batman so I can save cities and stuff. The way I see it, I need these things to happen to fulfill my destiny.

  1. I need my parents to die. Superheroes don’t have parents. Spiderman. Superman. Deadpool. Parents are great for telling you to prepare for college. They’re kinda light on the superhero encouragement.
  2. Work on my cardio. You gotta be able to last in a melee encounter. And if I’m always being told to take out the trash or clean my room or go outside and play ball or whatever, when am I gonna have time to run?
  3. Get a butler. He can take out the trash and clean my room while I Google kung fu videos and really step up my fighting game.
  4. Get a Batsuit. I can’t fight crime rocking Supreme. My shirts are too lit to risk getting blood on.

And that’s it. As soon as my parents kick it, I can get out there and kick some ass. I’m not heartless. I’ll visit their gravesite anytime I need a reminder on why I’ve dedicated my life to fighting crime. I just gotta figure out who’s gonna take care of my little sister when they croak. Do butlers babysit?

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