Holy F*ck, When Did Monkey Bars Get So Hard?

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I don’t know who decided to – or how they even did – increase the difficulty level of monkey bars, but holy fuck are those things hard. I got four bars into showing my 4 year old how much “fun” they are before I collapsed to the ground, clutching at my (probably) torn lat muscle.

Monkey bars are hard enough to find these days with all these pussyfart playgrounds making a play at safety. I already have to go to the bad part of town to find a rusted over set. And even those have been retrofitted somehow to operate at maximum difficulty. We can’t get kids the school supplies we need, but we have enough tax dollars update the monkey bars at “Gang Hangout Park?”

I’m just trying to play with my kids. I don’t need to be injured if some cracked-out street urchin decides my wallet is keeping his money warm. They need to make them like they did when I was a kid. Easy. Low impact. Unpainted metal. Cold in the winter. Blistering in the summer. But still, easy enough that you get bored before you get tired. Make those kinds of monkey bars again.

I never thought I’d say this but, hats off to those ISIS guys crushing their playground training. We all laughed at the leaked terrorist training videos. Haha. Their soldiers play recess. But none of us went to the park to give it a spin. None of us.

I get that I’m getting older. I’m probably not gonna do a four minute mile any time soon. But I don’t need to be shamed by “Big Monkey Bar” when it comes to playing with my kids. They didn’t have to change the design to make them all hard. These new play grounds are all designed for like The Rock or some shit. No wonder all the kids are fat. Probably so “Big Pharma” can pump them full of diabetes pills. Those “Bigs” are all in cahoots. I’ll have Alex Jones look into it.

I want my kids to have the same monkey bar fun I had. Gliding over the ground, skipping bars, leg wrestling, doing swinging backflips into the sand, pushing the nerds off. Fun stuff. Not training for American Ninja Warrior.

Speaking of sand. Where the fuck is the sand? Who decided woods chips and shredded up tires are better for the kids? I never ate sand as a kid, but I can’t turn my back for 30 seconds to crack open a cold one without my little one shoving half those “safer” recycled tire bits in his mouth. That little shit – I love him to death, but – it’s like anything but the $25 Sophie giraffe chew toy is what he wants to grind on. I don’t think we need to worry about a college savings account for that one. We probably just need a bail fund.

These new, impossibly hard, monkey bars have gotta go back to what they were when I was a kid so I can show my kids what a badass I am on a set of bars. Frankly, I don’t know why they ever changed them AND, I don’t know how my 6 year just flies across them like nothing! She’s a beast!

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