FT. WORTH, TX – With his wife Tabby Lane, 29, gone on a rare girls night out, Dennis Lane, 31, was playing “sink the ducks” with his son in the tub when Jeremy, 13 months, paused to force out a messy, fibrous, shit.
“I have no idea what to do. I can’t run downstairs and grab the spaghetti colander and leave him alone.”
If it was a solid movement, Dennis swears he could reach in with a piece of toilet paper and retrieve the waste. If it was diarrhea, he could drain the tub. “I can’t drain the tub and be stuck with a shit-covered baby or a clogged drain,” he says. “We just paid $450 to have Roto Rooter fish out he tennis ball he flushed down the toilet.
But this bowel evacuation was somewhere in between. Thick enough to have floaters, thin enough, to cloud the bathwater. “What do you even do with shit covered bath toys?Is this a ‘rinse ’em off’ type situation or a ‘start fresh with new toys’ type deal?”
Dennis has tried everything from pacing, to scratching his head, to posting on social, to reaching out to close friends and family. His mother could only offer, “That must come from Tabby’s side. You never did anything like that.” A message to his Fantasy Football group text only gained responses of joke gifs and memes, mocking his situation.
“Why does he have to be in bed by 7:00 every single night? Why couldn’t I just finish the game like I wanted to? This could’ve been contained in a diaper and he would’ve been in bed by 7:30, 8:00 tops. Now I’m definitely not doing to see the 4th quarter. Jesus, Tabs, why won’t you answer your texts?”
As the bath water is cooling down and Jeremy is growing more and more upset about being told ‘no no no!’ every time he tries to re-eat a piece of corn, Dennis is trying to rig a sling with the bathmat and shower curtain to move his son into the master bathroom like an Orca being transferred between pools at Sea World.
“I can get to the tub later. The important thing now is to get my son safely in bed, so I can catch the 4th quarter.”