California Mom Judging You For Using Disposable Diapers

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STUDIO CITY, CA – Perpetual-drought state resident, and idealistic mother of a six month old boy, Jazzy Vermillion, 41, is judging you for using disposable diapers on your baby. “I watched a Netflix documentary on how plastic is just destroying the planet, and the things they put in those diapers are basically just plastic poison. So you’re kind of poisoning your baby.” she tells us, struggling to rinse a soiled diaper over her toilet with clean, potable water. “I can’t tell you how to raise your kids. If you want your children to grow up in a world without dolphins, that’s your choice as a Mother. For me personally – and again, you do things your way if you want – I just can’t get be responsible so much waste,” she continued, flushing her toilet.

While the sun-parched hills of Ventura County burn just 30 minutes north of her, with rising smoke visible from her kitchen windows, Jazzy continues rinsing her baby’s soiled undergarments until they’re almost white again. “Sure these diapers are a huge pain the ass. But it’s worth it. I want to instill a conservationist spirit into Sebastian. That’s why I always take him into our backyard and lay him down on our beautiful, lush green lawn under the avocado tree so he can appreciate nature and how important it is to conserve. But that’s just me. You can totally raise your child like a white trash Kentucky hill person if you want.”

When asked about her plans for the diapers after her son is potty trained she plans to, “I don’t know, toss them in the trash? Ew. I’m not gonna offer my friends old, used diapers. That’s weird. Maybe my housekeeper will want them.”

This afternoon she’ll be driving her Land Rover to a Mommy and Me class – conveniently located one block from two forms of public transportation – to judge one of the mothers who still feeds her child snacks with gluten in them.

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