CLEVELAND, OH – After going 1-31 in their last two regular seasons, the Cleveland Browns have made off-season moves that, on paper, make them look like real contenders, but in reality haven’t changed the fact that they still remain the Cleveland Browns. And Cleveland dad, Bryan Speck, 37, couldn’t be more excited. “We got the number one pick in the draft and picked our fourth franchise quarterback in just 5 years, Baker Mayfield! I can’t wait to see if he’s as big a let down as DeShone Kizer, or if he’s more of a Johnny Manziel.”
Combine the number one overall draft pick with the addition of Pro-Bowler Tyrod Taylor just months before, in lieu of a marked improvement to their offensive line, and Speck says says with confidence, “It seems like our front office, thankfully, still have their heads up their asses. I can’t wait to see how we manage to shit the bed again this season.” He continued, “Both QB’s have looked great in the preseason. It’s hard for me to pick which one is gonna lead the league in turnovers this year. Dog pound!”
The Browns signed former Miami Dolphin wide receiver Jarvis Landry from the free agent market to a five year $75 million contract in hopes of bolstering their struggling receiver corps. “He is arguably the best slot receiver in the game. Line him up with Flash Gordon and potential deep threat Corey Coleman and that would’ve been an unstoppable trio of targets – if we hadn’t traded Coleman away during the preseason. We’re off to a Browns start!”
Speck is excited for the return of Josh “Flash” Gordon. “He was a stud in 2013. Remember 2013? Please tell me you remember 2013. It’s highly unlikely he’ll be suspended from the league a fourth time. Guys in their 20’s usually learn their lesson after two or three drug-related suspensions, so we’ll get to watch him be overthrown all season. Hopefully. Hey! Remember 2013?”
With five playoff-caliber players added in the first three rounds of this years draft and plenty of cap space to make last minute moves for an offensive tackle with off-field issues, or to pick up an injury prone tight end, the Browns fans have high hopes for the 2018 season. Hopes that will inevitably turn into disappointment after their upcoming 0-6 start. “We’ve got all the weapons we need to win our division. Luckily we’ve got Hue out there to misuse their talents on every down. I can’t wait to see power back Carlos Hyde split out as a receiver, or how many times we’ll punt on first down. We can always count on Hue to fuck it up.” Referring to Hue Jackson, the Browns head coach, who managed to perform the near-impossible act of taking a group of 53 of some of the world’s top athletes and lead them to an almost perfect string of losses over the past two years – with just one win.
“Our front office understands the fans. They know if we don’t give up on Cleveland the city, we won’t give up on Cleveland the team. We’ll keep buying tickets no matter how fucked our team is. Cleveland strong!”