I WANTED TO GO TO SPACE AND TUNNEL UNDER L.A.
Everyday I sit in my cubicle as Regional Director of the Smith and Jensen Business Solutions Client Retention department – Central Division – and have to read headline after headline of some new thing Elon Musk is doing, that I had already thought of. Like when I went to Anaheim for the big logistics conference and I had to sit in traffic on Interstate 405 between LAX and its endless sprawl of suburbs I slammed my head into my steering wheel and screamed at my windshield “SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS TRAFFIC!” Lo and behold, the VERY NEXT YEAR, Elon Musk comes out with the Boring Co. and starts digging tunnels under California’s most populated metropolis like a goddam hamster.
And just to rub it in my face, he starts selling flame throwers. I LOVE FLAME THROWERS! Ever since I was a kid I was like “Man, flamethrowers are awesome. Nobody would fuck with me if I have a flamethrower. Jimmy wouldn’t throw rocks at me if I had a flamethrower. My dad would mow his own fucking lawn.” In fact, just yesterday I was thinking about how I’d love to take a flamethrower into my boss’ office and show him just how good my ideas are and why I don’t just need to sit and listen during the weekly status report meeting and that my ideas and opinions have value. I’m the one that said we should put a vending machine in the breakroom! Not Tom! But he got the promotion.
When I saw the movie Interstellar I thought to myself “If Matthew McConaughey can go to space, why not me?” I’m capable. I run shit. I’m the Regional Director for Client Retention at Smith and Jensen Business Solutions – Central Division. I should start a space company and go to space and show my wife that she’s not the only one with good ideas. That I have ideas too. I have an idea for a space company. The kind of space company that goes to outer space. Not just the moon. Fuck the moon. I wanna make a space ship that can travel at the speed of light and make important discoveries and become a billionaire because I have good ideas. So, maybe this time, I’d like to weigh in on which color fabric our couch should be. Instead of just showing up to this uncomfortable charcoal monstrosity she sits to watch the Bachelor on.
Tesla was obvious. I would’ve gone with a different name, but at least 8 years ago I thought it would be cool to have an electric sports car that was basically a computer where you could watch YouTube while the car drove you home from the bar by itself. That was MY idea. One day after work, after my boss really laid into me for saving a client that was costing us millions in PR after their CEO dropped an N-bomb on a cable news show, I was at the bar tossing back Old Fashions with my then-buddy Tom. I was telling him about how I wish I could just take out a flamethrower and burn it all down and then just jump in my spaceship and leave when I burped out “I’m pretty fucked up. I wish my car could drive me home.” And then, just like that, I read a headline about Tesla’s autopilot software allowing people to sleep off their hangovers on their way to work. And I don’t get credit for shit.
So, yeah. I’m pretty sick and tired of it. Because while he gets to go on podcasts and smoke pot and go to space and drive in tunnels, I have to show up everyday, to my job at Smith and Jensen Business Solutions as Regional Fucking Director of Client Retention – Central Division.
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