MINNEAPOLIS, MN – GRACO is excited to announce the Happy Booster – a convertible car seat that comes pre-filled with crunchy Happy Meal french fries. “Our focus group studies have shown kids enjoy riding on a pin cushion of petrified french fries, ” says Graco Baby parent-company Newell Brands CEO Michael B Polk. “We listen to our riders. And we listen to what our riders need. We’re the first car seat brand that’s putting the comfort, and safety, of the passenger over the taste of some industrial designer or even the opinion of the child’s own parents. We put children first at GRACO. And children want to ride on crunchy french fries. And I’m not about to tell those children–,” he takes a breath before really tearing up and continuing.
“Humanity’s hope, that they can’t ride comfortably on a bed of stale, petrified, deep-fried potato sticks. I will not be the bad guy here.”
This has obviously been a passion project of his for awhile.
“I don’t know how those chumps over at Britax handle things. They’re probably too busy lining the pockets of Planned Parenthood or some shit to worry about the comfort of our most beloved generation.” He then leaned over the desk to spit directly into my iPhone’s microphone as if spitting on a person from Britax. “We care, goddammit. Any more stupid questions?” he said, apparently ending the interview. Which is fine. It stopped being funny in the first paragraph and I was pretty scared by the way he wouldn’t blink.