GLENDALE, CA – In an effort to maintain the dining standards they wish they were known for, Applebees has introduced a pilot program in select markets where a gimp mask will be handed out with every kids menu. “We love all our customers. Even the families with uncontrollable monsters for children,” says company President John Cywinski. “When people come to Applebees to take advantage of our 2 for $20 dinner special, they want to enjoy their flash-processed, genetically modified, ‘food’ without some kid screaming about Blippi on his mother’s cell phone.”
Cywinski maintains that they are still a family restaurant chain. “We love the murmurs of little children,” he says. “That’s why we’re testing the new policy. To try and keep the noise level to a murmur.”
The company President confirms that if the program is successful, they will roll it out nationwide. “When people order their 2 for $20 dinner specials – which comes with an appetizer, 2 entrees and a dessert to share – we want our servers to be able to hear those orders. And all the petty substitutions that come with it,” he says. “We don’t want our servers to have to compete with some screaming kid who probably should’ve gone down for a nap 2 hours ago.”
So far, there have been no arguments from the parents about the new program. “Oh thank god,” says Mark Jessup from Simi Valley California. “After 3 hours of Octonauts blaring in the background, all I want is to sit and cleanse my brain’s palette with the calm din of an underpriced chain restaurant. Thank, you Applebees. Thank you.”
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