That’s Not the Best Way to Wash Mom’s Back, Dad

Your Son.

Dad! First off, what are scorpions made out of? Second, why is the bathroom door closed? What are you guys doing in here? Are you sneaking ice cream again? Teacher says sharing is caring. Oh! You’re trying to wash Mom’s back you say? Well, you’ve got it all wrong, Dad.

Ok! Ok! I’ll leave in just a second! Use your inside voice, please. I just wanna make sure you get this right. I don’t want Mom to have a dirty back.

First off, you’re not even holding the soap. You’re holding Mom’s hips. If you want Mom to have a clean back, you need to actually touch her back – with soap. Her hips are as clean as they’re getting, Dad. Now step back from mom and come turn on the next episode of Spongebob for me. It’s at that part with all the names on the TV and that’s the boring part for adults. So come change it for me. What do you mean you aren’t going to back away from Mom right now?

And, Mom, you’re part of this equation too. Do you even want a clean back? I mean, you’re bent over with your leg up on the soap dish. Are you trying to get away from Dad? It seems like he has a pretty firm grip on your hips. I don’t think you’re going anywhere. And I don’t think you realize how unsafe this looks. You’re always telling me to sit down in the tub, but here you are, standing on one foot, wrestling with Dad, with the shower on. That’s definitely not safe. I’m gonna need a little consistency out of you if you want me to follow the rules.

I gotta poop. Don’t mind me.

Ok. Let’s get this sorted so I can get back in there. I hear the next episode starting. Dad, if you wanna wash Mom’s back, focus on her back. That’s what you tell me: focus. I don’t know what game you guys were playing in here but she didn’t seem like she was enjoying it. She kept making all these noises like you were hurting her. Make sure she wants to play the same game as you, Dad. That’s what you tell me when I’m punching Melissa. Let’s make sure Mom is enjoying the game. Mom? Are you ok? You are? Hey, can I have chocolate milk at snack today?

Stop closing the shower curtain! I gotta tell you something! This is important.

Dad, yesterday I almost had a splinter. But it fell off. It was right here. Dad, look. It was right here. Almost a splinter. Fine! I’ll close the shower curtain. Mom, I’m all done, can you wipe me?

The Nuclear Unit is a family-inspired satire site. It was started by Adam Hammer – a comedian turned dad, turned writer. In that order. Follow The Nuclear Unit on all your socials for more. And if you dig what we do, give our stuff a share!

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1 Comment

  1. Melody on July 7, 2019 at 9:08 am

    Haha “mom I’m done, can you wipe me?”

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